Mama Just Passed Away

Yes, Mama, my husband’s mother, just passed away, 4 days short of her 100th birthday, We were caught in-between wanting her to hit this numerical target of a perfect score of a life and wanting her to die peacefully to end her suffering and poor quality of life. Flip flop. Flip flop.

My parents had died by the time I was 35 years old. My husband only now at the age of 63 has lost both of his parents. When my parents died there were bells and whistles. There were tears, and wakes, the hanging of flags at half-staff, obituaries, motorcycle escorts to graveyards, Catholic funeral masses, burials and banquets. There was grief. It is how I was raised. It is what I have experienced to be the rituals around death.

Now, there has been no time more evident in my life that I married an atheist. I have never known or understood death within this context. And quite honestly, I judged and was convinced there was something ‘wrong’ with my husband and his siblings because of their rationality, objectivity and emotional neutrality. I was waiting for Mama’s death to come, and to hit them all like a ton of emotional bricks. That didn’t happen.

When Mama passed away, Mama got what Mama wanted. When she was alive, she used to refer to her future inanimate body as ‘the carcass’. She wanted the carcass to be donated to science, not just one of her organs, but her whole body. And so it was.

A couple of hours after her passing, the workers from a scientific research organization came and took the carcass away. That was the last we ever saw, and will ever see, of her. No crying. No wake. No funeral. No grief. Heck, not even an obituary has been written about her 99-year long life. Nothing. That’s it. All over.

I have found something very liberating and very soothing in this experience. Something really reassuring. I don’t quite have all of the words for it. The feeling is just peaceful, and natural. No stress. No sorrow. No expectations. No mourning. It is extraordinary.

Back in December 2025, I hosted a Winter Solstice Watch Party of a Wise About Life episode I filmed with Death Doula Trish Sears. Trish really helped me to understand how important it is to honor the wishes of the ‘special person’ who is at the end of life.  I shared the video with one of my daughters. As Grandma was nearing her end, I know it helped my daughter understand what her grandmother was experiencing. That last loving foot massage that my daughter gave to her Grandma has eternal currency.

When I first met my mother-in-law, it was in New York City in 1995. Mama, who grew up in Center Harbor, New Hampshire, asked me who is clearly a person of African descent: “What tribe are you from?”. Honestly. Really lady? This is the first place we’re going to go together? What was I about to get myself into?

I responded with the only tribe I really know: “I’m from Jersey”. That’s short for New Jersey, for anyone who doesn’t know.

I can say with all honesty that she was a wonderful mother-in-law. She loved her family dearly. She lit up every time she saw our faces. She never had a bad or a swear word to say. She was always kind. She was always appreciative and respectful. She never got in our way. She was super intelligent and had an incredibly scientific mind. She could have gone to the moon and back again, if she’d been given half a chance in life.

One Christmas she gifted me a necklace made of pink ivory wood. This wood  is found in Zimbabwe, Mozambique, and South Africa. I believe she gave this present a lot of thought. When I looked into it I found that pink ivory is a royal tree of the Zulu people of Africa. I think it was her way of acknowledging the queen in me. So sweet.

Her name is Lillian Rachele. We will love and cherish her forever. I just have to say.

Written by Jude Smith Rachele

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If you are curious about and want to do some end-of-life planning for yourself, you may wish to consider joining our Legacy Leaders Guide — 5-week Cohort Experience.

Legacy Leaders Guide is a five-session live cohort for senior leaders and executives. It’s small by design.

Over five sessions, we work through:

• The mindset shifts that make this planning possible
• Values-based conversations and how to have them
• Choosing your Decision-Maker — and actually asking them
• Getting your essential information organized and accessible
• Living your legacy now, not later

This is very intimate, private and joyous work. We keep the cohort number small so that we can really develop deep relationships and communication between ourselves.

Drop us a line at connect at jujubee.us if you want to find out more. Peace.